He was there
For a while
As the waves started moving farther away,
Each drop repulsing the grains of sand it touched.
We looked at the Sun.
We watched as the land swallowed it whole
And we were left with nothing,
Just empty memories.
More of you
Those days you know
When every single thought of mine
Revolves around you
I think of you as that particle
Of sand
That slipped through my hands
As I was looking away
I think of you as a rock
That sits on my shoulder
Reminding me that, you, infact exist
And that existence of yours, kills me more
Since it also means that you are not with me anymore
Those days, you know
When you want to rip out your heart
Painful as it seems
It would stop hurting
Even for a little while
I will be free
Of you
Or maybe the thought of you
I don’t really know the difference
Some days,
I am more of you
And less of me
You fill this empty space
Like water spreading it’s arms out
T’ward the beach
As if it’s a right
Of yours
And I, am one of your possessions
We meet like old friends
In my dreams, that is
With history, so familiar
Yet, there is a strangeness to our hands
They do not mould with the imperfections of mine
That perfection of yours.
Those days, you know
That these thoughts might always remain tucked away in my memory
I will remember this meeting of ours
That went inside my head
That overwhelming urge to hug you close,
Or push you away
As if your skin burns mine
Destroying every page
That has your name etched in bold letters,
I strike down every single alphabet , meticulously
Eight, it is.
Eight times, ink runs over your name
Eight times, I think of my hands that caressed your cheeks
On those cold wintry afternoons
And our blissful silences
Eight times, I have cried over you,
While you silently observed
As if nothing mattered
As if those tears never meant anything to you
And maybe they didn’t.
That being said
I know I am over you
Atleast a part of you, that is
I will get over the rest of it soon, I promise.
An Ode to the Girl I never loved before
It’s been three months, two weeks, and ten days since my heart broke
I lost you that day in the same way I first found you
With, a heart that couldn’t stop beating, louder and louder , a deafening silence, and nervousness in my bones
I know you’ve found another man
You tell me he loves you in the ways I couldn’t
When I ask you what that means
You hide your face and reply quietly, ‘he tells me he loves me, every single day’
I remember all those days when I took you for granted
When I was too busy fighting with you, instead of fighting for you
When I knew I was losing you so fast, but didn’t do anything about it.
You tell me, he cares about you more than I could ever imagine
I watch your eyes glimmer whilst you are talking about him
Those eyes, which shined for me, that face which turned pink when I kissed you on your cheeks
I have so much to say, but I don’t know where to start.
I have so much to confess, so much to tell, yet all those words fail when I am in front of you.
You tell me, I am the quiet type. The one who doesn’t share their emotions with someone
I laugh it off, yet I see the sadness behind your eyes, the loss which you feel while I distract you.
How do I make you understand that even if I feel a very little, it is always because of you..
Because, you were the only one who made me feel something, something that I, perhaps took too long to decipher
I know I will never be what you want me to be
Yet, I can’t stop regretting the fact that I never even tried.
I see now, you’ve changed.
No, you still love people the same way you did..
With passion, acceptance, and forgiveness
But in the journey, I think you’ve found yourself, for good.
I know you still love me, but I also know that you are not in love with me anymore.
You don’t owe me anything, really.
But I just wish, just once, that I had loved you the way you deserved…
The way you loved me, before.
Yours.. Truly
A
The End
The saddest end is when you have to break up with someone whilst you are still in love with them. It may be for their good, or your own. When, at that moment, you realize, that nothing will ever be the way it was before. They won’t look at you the same way they did the first time you said yes.
It hurts to think of them with someone else. But you think that they will probably find someone better than you.
Everything hurts. The memories, the songs, the call history, the texts, the goodbye. Everything.
You handle it the worst way possible.But deep down, you already knew that it wasn’t meant to be. But these hopes, expectations blurred it away. You know , it needs to end. And so, it did.
This rush, this feeling we get when we are with them fades away. You know you are in love with them, when only their happiness matters. Not yours, not anymore. Even if their happiness doesn’t include you.
After a few months, you realize they are happy without you. They are smiling, and laughing, and enjoying everything while the thoughts at night are keeping you awake.
On some days, the better ones, they are not at the back of your mind. You go to the same places you visited with them, they hurt a little less. You start meeting new people and make new friends. And suddenly, those statuses on social media are not about them anymore. Maybe love was only for that moment. Maybe love wasn’t exactly what is taught to us in movies. Maybe, in that moment, I felt safe. From doubts, insecurities, loneliness. But not every safe place is a home.
Maybe you can still love someone yet not be in love with them anymore.
Maybe I have started to love myself more than I loved them. Maybe, just maybe, I will reach home, soon.
If only
….And if only I could tell you
How badly I miss our late night conversations,
Our early morning coffees,
Our laughter, and our silences
Maybe we would start talking again.
Sleeping at last
I remove you from me
One piece at a time
Hurting, as if
I’m separating myself
From me
Picking out bits and pieces of me
Which are unaffected by you
Which are untouched,
Pure.
And throwing away every single part of me
That still remembers your smile
Or your hugs
Or you.
I hope, eventually
It will hurt less
That you, will leave me in peace
I try to walk away
From those memories that seemed too painful
From the warmth of yours, that seem to be leaving my body
From us
From you.
I hug myself more often these days.
I cry myself to sleep,
I am sad, most of the days.
But for a while, maybe
I stop crying.
For a while, maybe
I am strong.
Her
She stopped listening
To the harsh noise, just outside that bubble she had created for herself
She stopped crying
As she now knew that the more tears she shed, the less they mean to people
But I wonder what will happen when she is unable to say
‘I’m fine’…anymore?
When a Boy Tells You He Loves You
When a boy tells you he loves you
It will not be nearby your favorite picnic spot, after countless hours of sleepless nights
Texting and calling each hour just to say ‘hey’
It will be late at night when he will be drunk and you, drunk on sleep and suddenly his mouth utters those words….
… And you wonder. You wonder what to do next, do you say them back or wait for him to sober up, because you think you don’t deserve them.
When a boy tells you he loves you
Right when your lips are near his, and you are about to kiss him for the first time.. You both are cuddling and suddenly his lips seem far away, you want to close the distance, but you know, that it will change things
You are unsure, but suddenly he whispers those words and it seems right. You had waited for nothing and everything at the same time, everything seems to fall in it’s place and nothing, nothing is wrong in this world.
When a boy tells you he loves you
It is also when he is struggling with his own issues but does not want to burden you….. he thinks you deserve better.
But how do you tell him that what you deserve is him since he so vehemently disagrees, when infact, he seems too good to be true….
When a boy tells you he loves you
He says that now carelessly, as if he doesn’t care. But you see his eyes, that shines from pain which he, so strongly wants to hide from you. You can suddenly see how he cannot fathom living without you but distancing is the only way he can protect himself, from the world, from you..
He hurts you in the worst way possible and you stand there, just watching, doubting what you did wrong and …and what if you are the person who deserves the worst of all
When a boy tells you he doesn’t love you anymore
You crack. And try to run away. Your feelings are still there. And you don’t know what to do with them.
They seem to be dropping, like those glass marbles which were too big to be held in your small hands as a child, when all you wanted was to hold them tight, and never let them go. They seem to be too slippery, just falling as you watch and helplessly try to grasp at straws.
You stand there and watch. Watch his back, like you did for the past year, but this time,leaving, and you wish, maybe… Just maybe, he will look back. One last time.
(inspired by-‘When a boy tells you he loves you’ by Edwin Bodney)
Stuck
We write to each other
Once a month
Waiting for each other’s letter
But our hearts remain where they were
Not one inch of it moves closer,
Yet, not one inch of it moves further apart.
Struggle
We struggle with ourselves
To give love
To those who deserve it
Yet, here I am
Loving you each time
And unable to fall in love with myself, again….
