A Love Where No One was at Fault

I ended it.

It was mutual. We both agreed it was for the best.

To not see you everyday would break my heart, knowing that despite both our efforts, we wouldn’t be able to spend even a day together.

And that’s why, I am depriving myself from the choice. To see you. By ending it.

Knowing that you are not mine anymore

Would allow me to grieve in isolation

Than to make you feel guilty and miserable

So here I am, ending it.

You nodded your head, obediently

I don’t know whose heart I am breaking

Yours or mine

But I know we weren’t meant to be

As cliche as it sounds, we both agreed it was something that had to be done

Goodbye.
I love you, still.

You

Deep down you know,that even though things are good now, you will eventually fuck them up.

When that spark is gone, you know that you will be the one with the burnt candlestick, desperate for that flame again.

Deep down you know, that you aren’t meant for this kind of love, it will only tear your heart apart.

The love that consumes you whole, and when it leaves, it leaves nothing, nothing at all.

You are scared to hurt the ones you love, you distance yourself, harden your exterior and start to walk away

You’ve been hurt before. You prepare yourself for the pain that is yet to come, but it will, inevitably.

But my darling, you should know by now, your warm heart is strong enough to bear it all. Your fire is enough to light the torch, to show yourself the way forward, moving on.

You are your own protector, you’re your own shade. You’re protecting yourself the only way you know- by running away from it.

My precious, when will you realize, you are the best anyone could ever wish for.

For a While

He was there

For a while

As the waves started moving farther away,

Each drop repulsing the grains of sand it touched.

We looked at the Sun.

We watched as the land swallowed it whole

And we were left with nothing,

Just empty memories.

More of you

Those days you know

When every single thought of mine

Revolves around you

I think of you as that particle

Of sand

That slipped through my hands

As I was looking away

I think of you as a rock

That sits on my shoulder

Reminding me that, you, infact exist

And that existence of yours, kills me more

Since it also means that you are not with me anymore

Those days, you know

When you want to rip out your heart

Painful as it seems

It would stop hurting

Even for a little while

I will be free

Of you

Or maybe the thought of you

I don’t really know the difference

Some days,

I am more of you

And less of me

You fill this empty space

Like water spreading it’s arms out

T’ward the beach

As if it’s a right

Of yours

And I, am one of your possessions

We meet like old friends

In my dreams, that is

With history, so familiar

Yet, there is a strangeness to our hands

They do not mould with the imperfections of mine

That perfection of yours.

Those days, you know

That these thoughts might always remain tucked away in my memory

I will remember this meeting of ours

That went inside my head

That overwhelming urge to hug you close,

Or push you away

As if your skin burns mine

Destroying every page

That has your name etched in bold letters,

I strike down every single alphabet , meticulously

Eight, it is.

Eight times, ink runs over your name

Eight times, I think of my hands that caressed your cheeks

On those cold wintry afternoons

And our blissful silences

Eight times, I have cried over you,

While you silently observed

As if nothing mattered

As if those tears never meant anything to you

And maybe they didn’t.

That being said

I know I am over you

Atleast a part of you, that is

I will get over the rest of it soon, I promise.

An Ode to the Girl I never loved before

It’s been three months, two weeks, and ten days since my heart broke

I lost you that day in the same way I first found you

With, a heart that couldn’t stop beating, louder and louder , a deafening silence, and nervousness in my bones

I know you’ve found another man

You tell me he loves you in the ways I couldn’t

When I ask you what that means

You hide your face and reply quietly, ‘he tells me he loves me, every single day’

I remember all those days when I took you for granted

When I was too busy fighting with you, instead of fighting for you

When I knew I was losing you so fast, but didn’t do anything about it.

You tell me, he cares about you more than I could ever imagine

I watch your eyes glimmer whilst you are talking about him

Those eyes, which shined for me, that face which turned pink when I kissed you on your cheeks

I have so much to say, but I don’t know where to start.

I have so much to confess, so much to tell, yet all those words fail when I am in front of you.

You tell me, I am the quiet type. The one who doesn’t share their emotions with someone

I laugh it off, yet I see the sadness behind your eyes, the loss which you feel while I distract you.

How do I make you understand that even if I feel a very little, it is always because of you..

Because, you were the only one who made me feel something, something that I, perhaps took too long to decipher

I know I will never be what you want me to be

Yet, I can’t stop regretting the fact that I never even tried.

I see now, you’ve changed.

No, you still love people the same way you did..

With passion, acceptance, and forgiveness

But in the journey, I think you’ve found yourself, for good.

I know you still love me, but I also know that you are not in love with me anymore.

You don’t owe me anything, really.

But I just wish, just once, that I had loved you the way you deserved…

The way you loved me, before.

Yours.. Truly

A

The End

The saddest end is when you have to break up with someone whilst you are still in love with them. It may be for their good, or your own. When, at that moment, you realize, that nothing will ever be the way it was before. They won’t look at you the same way they did the first time you said yes.

It hurts to think of them with someone else. But you think that they will probably find someone better than you.

Everything hurts. The memories, the songs, the call history, the texts, the goodbye. Everything.

You handle it the worst way possible.But deep down, you already knew that it wasn’t meant to be. But these hopes, expectations blurred it away. You know , it needs to end. And so, it did.

This rush, this feeling we get when we are with them fades away. You know you are in love with them, when only their happiness matters. Not yours, not anymore. Even if their happiness doesn’t include you.

After a few months, you realize they are happy without you. They are smiling, and laughing, and enjoying everything while the thoughts at night are keeping you awake.

On some days, the better ones, they are not at the back of your mind. You go to the same places you visited with them, they hurt a little less. You start meeting new people and make new friends. And suddenly, those statuses on social media are not about them anymore. Maybe love was only for that moment. Maybe love wasn’t exactly what is taught to us in movies. Maybe, in that moment, I felt safe. From doubts, insecurities, loneliness. But not every safe place is a home.

Maybe you can still love someone yet not be in love with them anymore.

Maybe I have started to love myself more than I loved them. Maybe, just maybe, I will reach home, soon.

If only

….And if only I could tell you

How badly I miss our late night conversations,

Our early morning coffees,

Our laughter, and our silences

Maybe we would start talking again.

Sleeping at last

I remove you from me

One piece at a time

Hurting, as if

I’m separating myself

From me

Picking out bits and pieces of me

Which are unaffected by you

Which are untouched,

Pure.

And throwing away every single part of me

That still remembers your smile

Or your hugs

Or you.

I hope, eventually

It will hurt less

That you, will leave me in peace

I try to walk away

From those memories that seemed too painful

From the warmth of yours, that seem to be leaving my body

From us

From you.

I hug myself more often these days.

I cry myself to sleep,

I am sad, most of the days.

But for a while, maybe

I stop crying.

For a while, maybe

I am strong.

Her

She stopped listening

To the harsh noise, just outside that bubble she had created for herself

She stopped crying

As she now knew that the more tears she shed, the less they mean to people

But I wonder what will happen when she is unable to say

‘I’m fine’…anymore?

When a Boy Tells You He Loves You

When a boy tells you he loves you

It will not be nearby your favorite picnic spot, after countless hours of sleepless nights

Texting and calling each hour just to say ‘hey’

It will be late at night when he will be drunk and you, drunk on sleep and suddenly his mouth utters those words….

… And you wonder. You wonder what to do next, do you say them back or wait for him to sober up, because you think you don’t deserve them.

When a boy tells you he loves you

Right when your lips are near his, and you are about to kiss him for the first time.. You both are cuddling and suddenly his lips seem far away, you want to close the distance, but you know, that it will change things

You are unsure, but suddenly he whispers those words and it seems right. You had waited for nothing and everything at the same time, everything seems to fall in it’s place and nothing, nothing is wrong in this world.

When a boy tells you he loves you

It is also when he is struggling with his own issues but does not want to burden you….. he thinks you deserve better.

But how do you tell him that what you deserve is him since he so vehemently disagrees, when infact, he seems too good to be true….

When a boy tells you he loves you

He says that now carelessly, as if he doesn’t care. But you see his eyes, that shines from pain which he, so strongly wants to hide from you. You can suddenly see how he cannot fathom living without you but distancing is the only way he can protect himself, from the world, from you..

He hurts you in the worst way possible and you stand there, just watching, doubting what you did wrong and …and what if you are the person who deserves the worst of all

When a boy tells you he doesn’t love you anymore

You crack. And try to run away. Your feelings are still there. And you don’t know what to do with them.

They seem to be dropping, like those glass marbles which were too big to be held in your small hands as a child, when all you wanted was to hold them tight, and never let them go. They seem to be too slippery, just falling as you watch and helplessly try to grasp at straws.

You stand there and watch. Watch his back, like you did for the past year, but this time,leaving, and you wish, maybe… Just maybe, he will look back. One last time.

(inspired by-‘When a boy tells you he loves you’ by Edwin Bodney)